I joined WordPress 9 years ago today. And how strange, without even knowing this I resorted to wanting to blog today – if you read my blog roll you’ll know my entries are emotive, purely based on how I’ve been feeling/my experiences, and this is one of those entries.
I’ve been feeling tired mentally, lacking energy physically, hormonal and emotional, and taking it out on those closest to me. I’ve broken down more times than I’ve pee’d today, that says a lot. Not that I have a weak bladder, just feeling weak internally. It’s always at this time of year where I struggle to get a grip on my emotions. They seem to surface and make a mere appearance, I react, cause everyone else a headache, and then these emotions seem to vanish into the midst of my bucket of emotional imbalances waiting to make another appearance again. I can feel them in my gut, just brewing….
I’m gonna be a mum to a 2 year old in 9 days, and in 24 days it’ll be 9 years since I lost my dad. Since leading up to the birth of my son back in 2018, his presence and entrance into the world overshadowed the abysmal notion, it seemed to have put a block on revisiting those emotions. My focus was shifted on being a first time mother, rather than an off spring without a parent, I saw it was one soul enters as another had left.
It seems to be harder this year.
Me and my son’s father separated back in November 2019, (not going into too much detail, maybe I’ll save this for a later date) I feel like I’ve been doing it all alone, which looking at the statistics of what each parent has done, I have been, and have done since I was in my nesting phase when I was pregnant. Over 3 years the relationship grew toxic, and it wasn’t an upbringing I’d have ever wished for my own child, I didn’t want a repeat of my own history. And I had to make some changes. I hope my son grows to understand that as he gets older. And I hope these changes, resonate in a positive light.
Without my former partner, I’ve never been so content with where I am mentally and emotionally, I’m able to focus on myself for once, I’ve never had such a clear mind on what I want to do with my life. I’ve always loved the idea of using art as a means of helping one expressive themselves, finding a resolution to their outcry. This being Art Therapy. As such, I’ve been studying online, case studying essays, planning the next phase where I can put to use my Arts Degree to reach my ambition.
With the focus of my mindset being shifted from being consumed by a toxic relationship to channeling my mindset on positive energy I’ve been delving back into my creative realm, I’ve been making soaps and candles, doing some DIY, created a structured routine for my son, I also started therapy 2 weeks before the UK went into lockdown and that’s helped incredibly. And I don’t think I’d have been able to do so whilst in a toxic relationship with someone who was a compulsive liar and a complete narcissist. I had to have a clear mind so I was able to reflect on everything that’s passed. I no longer feel I’m in a relationship with my past, and I can let go, and not let it hold me back but use it to better myself and help others. Everything I’ve analysed about myself so far has been relayed back to me, so it’s a positive realisation that I’m on the right path to seeking my way out into this clearing. I can feel it… I speak of emotions in my entries, but it’s numbness. We’re trying to bridge the gap between my experiences and my emotions, and we’re getting there.
That being said, having a clear mind, positive energy, with nothing going wrong with my life right now, for the first time ever I’ve met someone who is a complete godsend. (You know when you have so many negative things happening, one thing after another, and you think “when will this end?! God, please perform a miracle!!” It’s one of those….) I’m so so lucky, my life has turned around completely, and I couldn’t ask for a better wish to come true, I’m so thankful it still doesn’t feel real. I never thought my life would turn around, but I knew I had to make changes to get to this point.
As I’ve always said “if you want to see change, you have to make a change. If you keep doing the same thing, you’ll get the same result. Everything in life is a learning curve, if you don’t learn from those curves you’ll keep going round in circles…”
So, here we are, my life couldn’t be any better, my son is thriving, my love life too, I’m focused, I’m creative, I’m seeking professional help, I’m stable.