Coming back to my blog after a long while, I wipe the dust off, almost like a time capsule of all my work and thoughts from the last two years. Coming back with a fresh set of eyes, hands, mindset (I think?) and seeing what I was experiencing has opened my eyes a little more. I’d been so clogged up with the stresses of uni and my Dad passing away, I left behind the one thing that helped carry me forward. It’s only looking back I realize the advantages of having this blog.
Being able to express myself openly and freely in pixels on a screen seemed to be far more liberating than being sat opposite someone. It’s only after I’ve vented and the silence breaks through, I then begin to contemplate about how much and what I’ve said, and then begin to question if what I’m saying and thinking is true, from the heart or from the head, with intent to love or pent up anger.
With this state of confused and noisy disturbance in mind, whilst sat in the presence of someone, awaiting for their reaction, their response – whether helpful or critical, it’s then that I begin to regret saying anything at all. It’s not because of their possible reaction, as I’m sure it’d be advice that’d be beneficial, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart, but it all stems down to trusting myself, what I’m thinking, saying, expressing. If I begin to doubt myself and the way I’m articulating my current presence, then what use would this advice be? And what favors am I bringing to myself other than more confusion? Sometimes, the presence of someone alone is powerful enough to ease the stresses, sometimes more powerful than words uttered. I always ‘feel bad’ after expressing myself to someone, as I feel I’ve laid a whole heavy burden of negative baggage on someone else’s mind. That’s not what I’m here for, and neither are they.
Writing, drawing, walking, dancing, listening to/playing music, anything creative, anything that involves the mind and its raw state within my brain is what will help me in expressing myself almost entirely without the constant thought on the subjectivity of others, that can effectively attack the self conscious, and that’s not always a good thing.
Imagine the process of art for instance: ‘The Creative Act’ so to speak, you have the artist who creates, and the spectator who carries the work in to posterity. Now replace art with an emotion, or a shared negative experience, it will be carried forward one way or another, whether intentional or not, with reason or none at all, with conscious effort or subliminally. Once the ‘art’ or emotion is out there with no expectations, it’s then that one can truly separate ‘the man who suffers and the mind which creates.’ What I’m getting at is this blog functions like my ‘art’ or a dance, or a photo… I paste it into this ever-growing world, without any expectations or a need for a response in order to ‘help me’ – it’s simply for someone to dance beside me – and that’s it.
Unless requested, helping someone doesn’t always involve an articulation of words… sometimes words can inflict unintentionally, or add to the ‘state of confused and noisy disturbance in mind.’ A cry for help can be attended to through presence alone, the act of dedicating your presence has the potential to alter one’s world, or frame of mind depending on how strong they’re perception is, it wont be easy, so stick by. You’ll be sharing an experience in creating the ‘better’ picture. Get creating!
“You listen to people so that you can imagine them, and you hear all the terrible and wonderful things people do to themselves and to one another, but in the end the listening exposes you even more than it exposes the people you’re trying to listen to.” – John Green
In short, actions speak louder than words.
Just BE there.
This is my first, dedicated and thought-out vent in a long while, so even with no expectations, I will still apologize if I’ve hurt or offended anyone in this post, it’s not my intentions. Just my outlook on how much I’ve missed having this blog as my means of expression, and my views on being there for someone I care about.
Hope you’ve enjoyed this short read, take care. x